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So I figured I would clue you all in a little about my life and what's going on.
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So one of my friends did this on her livejournal and I thought it'd be a cool think to try...... Leave me a secret...it can be anything...post it anaomously if you want....just share something <333
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F@#K it all I just want to be home... It needs to be spring break...right NOW!!!!!
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I figured out how awful I am at hiding my emotions, especially when I am angry at someone. Like now for instance.... I should have never started this...Thank God its over now.
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I don't know what to do or what to say...my mind is all jumbled, the only thing I know is that I don't want to be with you any more. Actually I know alot about what I don't want...I don't want to be with you...I don't want to come off as a bitch...I don't want to lose you or any of your other friends, as friends...I don't want things to be akward afterwards...I don't want any of this drama anymore...I just want things to be done... You don't deserve this and I shouldn't be so fickel and indesisive...you are to nice of a guy. I am sorry that I am going to do this to you, but I think its for the best... I am sorry that we are through.
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I am at peace with things right now...which is surprising. Right here, right now, this moment, everything seems right. It all just seems to click. It all makes sense. There are no worrys...yet...no hesitations...no what ifs...just now, just this moment... its life.
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I want the awkward first date, the hugs, the i'll call you later, hours on the phone, chocolates on valentines day...the little innocent things. I am tired of feeling like a slut, feeling used, wondering why he really did that and if he even likes me. I am tired of hooking up. I can't complain about getting some or the chance to be a crazy nympho, but I can complain about what its like after wards. The guilty, grogginess and disgust of it all. The lowered reputation and the rumors. The awkward run in the morning after....I can complain about that. I want substance and innocence...I want an emotional connection. I want to like someone again. I want to have a crush and be crushed on. I am tired of the animalistic lust sessions I have been having.I want romance....I want a relationship.
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I am still trying to wrap my head around last night. I don't know what I am doing with this guy or what I want to do with him. All I know is that every time I am with him, I push it further and further and don't think twice about it. Frankly it scares the crap out of me. This impulsiveness, not thinking, just doing attitude I have with him is fun, but in the long run it only leaves me feeling guilty. I don't know how I feel about him. I know he genuinely likes me and I feel terrible for leading him on this way. I just want to be friends, but he wants more. I feel like I am using him, like this whole thing is some kind of good girl gone bad experiment.
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In New York with Jordan and it is quite lovely....I <3 exam break and being home....no stress is a very good thing.
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I just thought this was lovely.... "Heaven's not a place that you go when you die, it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive..." - The Tide by The Spill Canvas <3
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Today at lunch Ashley turns to me and says "It seems like you are the only one of the new sophmores who really fits in with our grade..." My response a confussed look, and something along the lines of "Wow really...thanks. " I wish I felt like what she said was true...because so far I still feel utterly lost...
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What the F@#K!!!! How, and why did this have to happen. She more fucked up now, than she ever was before. The signs of insanity, drug use and self mutilation are starting back at me every time I look at her. Her life is now on big downward spiral and she doesn't give a fuck about it. It hurts so much to see her like this. I still cannot seem to accept that there is nothing I can say or do to help her. This is beyond me. Its beyond everyone but herself.
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She's gone and there's nothing I can do about it........
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I cannot wait to be home and see everyone!!! Its seems so surreal, being here and it being so close to christmas. You know what that means I have been here for about 4 months....4 months I still can't believe it. It is all going by so fast ans I still don't feel adjusted :( I am still waiting for it all to click and make sense, for it all to seem real, but so far there haven't really been any signs of improvment. Sure I have my routine now, I know what to do and where to go, and I am getting by (barely) in my classes, but something about it still doesn't seem right. I guess I jsut need more time. But for know I have to go.....Spanish class. |
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Maybe I am being to harsh. But telling him that, felt so right. I called him and asshole and accused him of using girls, and he sat there and took it. I think he knows to some degree that I am right, but maybe I stayed pissed at him for too long. Oh well. He needed to know how wrong his incredulous pattern is. How loneliness doesn't justify everything. Because in the end we all get lonely. We all make mistakes, but what really matters is whether we are willing to face it. Or whether we just abuse the situations. I don't think he'll ever change but at least he knows how I feel about things.
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Looking out my bathroom window this morning I started wondering how did we all wind up here? Why boarding school? For some its a tradition. They must be raised and educated a certain way. First their is the close to home private day school. Preferably grades K-9, so there is no changing of schools during the beginning of your academic careers. Then there are the scholars that go to boarding schoool. The top of the class, amazingly smart and full of potential students that are destined for greatness and sucess no matter what school they go to. Then there are the rest. We are the average students with high hopes. The kids who want to escape from home. The restless wanders choosing to move from home at such a tender young age. For me it was to get away and start new. I have a bad habit of moving or switching school every 3 years. Although unintentional this pattern has seemed to stick. So now I am here. Boarding school, not exactly where I envisioned myself, but its where I wound up. It still seems so surreal |
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"Temptation is fun....but giving in is better."
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You know what drives me crazy, the fact that I cannot be productive!!!! Its really quite unfortunate, but I guess i will survive. It jsut means more late nights and some extra stress, but it seems quite inevitable. So for now I must go and be unproductive before studyhall. <3
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melancholy
aggravated
guilty
peaceful
restless
indescribable
annoyed
contemplative